Monday, March 28, 2011

I Never Lost My Hair.









On Saturday night, after putting the kids to bed, i went in my room and had a pretty intense couple of hours praising God through crying and repeated thankfulness of my life. I fell asleep and had a dream where i was basically reliving my cancer diagnosis. I wrestled with that a bit until fully waking myself out of it. I then walked into the kitchen for a glass of water and saw that it was 3:30 a.m. How long had it been that i was just reliving that horrible experience in my sleep? but it wasn't fully my experience because in my dream i was losing my hair. it was vivid. 

chunks of really long hair were coming out of the side of my head and i was tortured by feelings of disbelief and shock. 

as i stood in the kitchen, my heart was pumping. hard. and fast. 

i could feel my hair draping my shoulders, so i touched it. 
then i ran my fingers through it. 
then i twirled it.
then i went and laid back down in my bed and felt my hair cover my pillow. and brush against my back.

laying there i was thinking. how. i never. lost my hair.

but. i have one bigger than that. 
i never lost my life. 

but. i have one bigger than that. 
i was given... eternal life. 

because the God that made the wind, lives in me.

and the day i recognized that, and met Jesus and fell in love with Him, was the day i was given such a gift. 

It's about bringing heaven to earth. it's that the diagnosis, or threat of cancer, or any other occurrence in my life involving death has no hold over me. because Jesus came to teach me that the gift of eternal life spent with Him started the day i told Him I loved Him.

What a freeing feeling that i can let. go. of. fear. and experience heaven here. 

There's a quote that i focus on quite a bit that puts it in perspective for me. "Jesus got what i deserve. And i got what Jesus deserved." 

Jesus hung on the cross. I get freedom.
Jesus hung on the cross. I fell in love with my husband.
Jesus hung on the cross. I gave birth to my children.

Jesus hung on the cross. 
I got life. I have life. I am alive.
 
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