Thursday, April 28, 2011


my grandmother at my sister's wedding

i had to say goodbye. i had to do it. so i did. i didn't want to. but i needed to. so i did.

the threat of death came dancing into my own life less than a year ago. this is not the first time it's tried to sneak up behind me. the threat comes with a name. it's called Cancer. Cancer, i've known you. i've met you. you wouldn't leave me alone. you left bad tastes, and you tried robbing me. you tried. i fought. i'm winning. i've also learned that it attacks others. in fact it won't leave anyone alone. i saw you. you tried to disguise yourself back in november when my grandmother first started feeling sick. it wasn't enough, so you multiplied. you divided to conquer. you took another life. 

my grandmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last week. on Easter Sunday she passed away, her last breath here, her first breath with Christ. this i know is true. i am comforted greatly by her love and devotion to God. 

i will miss her. i will look forward to dancing for Jesus, beside her one day.

but there is something else. i am angry. i am so angry. this is a personal attack on my family. it needs to stop. "Cancer, and cancer, and cancer... this is important. one never meets just cancer... one only meets each hour or moment that comes. all manners of ups and downs. many bad spots in our best times, many good ones in our worst. one never gets the total impact of what we call 'the thing itself'. But, we call it wrongly." - C.S. Lewis A Grief Observed. 

"Cancer is a leading cause of death worldwide, and deaths are projected to increase by 45% by 2030."- World Health Organization.

cancer has just spit in my face. i'm ready to fight back. again. bigger, louder, stronger. it's great that we do these walks and wear t-shirts, and slap bumper stickers on our cars, but there is something else going on here. i urge you to educate yourself. i bet there in not a person reading this that does not know someone who is a cancer survivor. and by survivor, i mean diagnosed. remember the moment you are diagnosed you become a survivor! do something! eat better! too much protein, too much fat, too much sugar, too much salt, too much caffeine, too many chemicals, too many refined foods, too many cooked foods! stop it. the groceries i buy my kids isn't their diet, it's their medicine! enough already. do something, do anything! it may not be the answer but it is a good start. 

gran, i will miss you. you were eccentric, and artistic, you loved the Lord, you were a devoted wife and mother. you were an involved grandmother. you were an available great grandmother. you danced, you sang, you painted. if those were your gifts on earth, i can only imagine how you are  praising God to His face. 

i will be doing everything for the entire length of the rest of my life to know more than i knew the day before. that education, progression, and prevention are key. that when i know better, i can promise you gran, i will do better. 

and i will also know, that if cancer comes back again, that i will be able to say i did everything i knew to do, with you and every other cancer survivor in mind. 

i love you.

and to my amazing family, Revelation 21:4  And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Happy 5th Birthday My Darling Girl.

gum balls.

clown noses.

thank you to all of our family and friends who came out to make graycen's day memorable and full of love. we had so much fun taking pictures, playing games, eating food, and devouring the best cupcakes ever. we love you all!

party run down:

we ate tomato, mozz, and basil sandwiches, cucumber salad, pasta salad, chips, cupcakes, candy, cake, and peanut butter and jelly.

we drank, water, lemonade, and vintage sodas.

we played photobooth, pin the tail on the donkey, circus ring toss, and fishing for ducks.

we watched a slideshow.

we opened presents.

we laughed a lot. 

we listened to J.J. Heller

sandwiches made by me. 
cupcakes from Babycakes.
circus cake, made by me. 
salads from Petty's. 
Lemonade by Newman's Own.
vintage soda and retro candy bought at Cracker Barrel.
fabric from Ikea.
cake stand found at a flea market.
cake bunting flag and photobooth sign from Etsy.
paper straws from Sweet LuLu
graycen name bunting flag from Anthropologie (already owned)
clown noses, games, recycled plates, and bamboo forks from Party Store.
graycen's dress by Misha Lulu
props collected over time.
giant letter "G" from JoAnne Fabric.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Graycen's Birthday Through The iPhone.

Happy Birthday my dear sweet Graycen. My life literally lit up the day i met you, and has been shining ever since. 

"God is for you. Had he a calendar your birthday would be circled... if there's a tree in heaven he's carved your name in the bark..." Max Lucado, God Thinks Your Wonderful

Tuesday, April 19, 2011


after watching this video i was still. i sat in silence and let it penetrate my soul and spirit. life can be so... loud. it's the quiet i crave. it's in the quiet i can hear the answers. Francis Chan is doing a new series called Basic. today i watched the premier of Holy Spirit. i cried. i felt something. i needed this. He asks, "Do you really believe the same Holy Spirit exists today?"you can watch it here.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Fresh Herbs.

this weekend was a toughie for me. i gave up coffee/ caffeine (don't feel bad for me, this is something i've really been wanting to do post cancer diagnosis, and i am finally in a place to get rid of the stuff) but boy- oh - boy did i suffer headaches like none other. as bad as it is going in is as bad as it felt coming out. ouch. but i am so excited to say that my body is now over the hump of the addiction and this morning i woke up... without a headache! 

during one of the ongoing pounding headaches this weekend, i took the kids to the local nursery to pick up some fresh herbs. i miss having a big garden, to get my fingers all earthy, and then eat what we've so lovingly looked after. but the few herbs will do for now. the little ones loved getting the dirt under their nails and making a big mess. they also loved pulling the peppermint off the plant and eating it before i could even stop them. :) that makes me happy.

something we've recently become pretty obsessed with around here and i want to share with you is banana ice cream. take about 3 organic bananas, this made enough for each of us, and freeze them. take the frozen bananas and put them in the food processor and blend until creamy. it's so unbelievably delicious, completely dairy free, and all of the satisfaction. plus, if you are feeling adventurous like i do, you can throw in some cashews and pulse those in. i'm all about the crunch. and if you wanna take it over the top, add a sprinkle of cacao (no caffeine!!! ) but equally delicious as chocolate. let me know how you like that, or if you come up with something yummy to add to your home made, dairy free ice cream, make sure to tell me! enjoy~

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