Wednesday, August 31, 2011

PET Scans.

 PET scans are a fact of my life.

so on days like this i take time to feel a little sorry for myself.

and do things, like taking myself out to lunch. and to go some place to be quiet enough and desire to hear what God might be saying to me in these moments. 

and then make sure to get some quality time watching my kids laugh  and run and fall down and cry and get up and giggle, and bend down and kiss them softly. 

and know in my heart and head, spirit, mind, and body that i am absolutely living the life that was designed by a God who favors me and who's plans for me are good. 

Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or terrified of them. For the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you, nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31 :6


also, graycen took scissors out to the garden this morning and cut some sunflowers. i think my grandmother would have really liked that she did that. my grandmother was a gardener. and graycen doesn't follow far. 

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Crazy Picture Overload.

this post is full of useless information about me, like how using fake moustaches are some of the funniest memories i've made with my kids, and how today we made plate heads and lined up in front of the chalkboard to take pictures of ourselves, and how lars wore pipe cleaner glasses up until the time of his nap, and how dune looked just like Harry Potter when he wore them, but i didn't get a picture of that because i was too busy laughing. and how much i love crayola crayons and how i would be half the mother i am without them. and my endless dream of one day home schooling my children in a room in our house entirely dedicated to fostering up some of the most imaginative creations the world has ever seen. oh,  that and hanging vintage globes all over the ceiling. and how i just finished decorating graycen's lunchboxes for school and how i love that she is still young enough that i can put "mommy + gray = love" on it and she says "awwwww", and the rain. ooooo, how i love the rain. blah blah blah. the end. 

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Crazy Boy.

dune gets crazy when he gets a hold of my iphone. he has probably taken over 500 pictures of himself making funny faces. and i've kept every one of them. i mean really. i can hardly handle his cuteness. 

Monday, August 22, 2011

Our Weekend.

we had the most wonderful weekend. we took a drive through the country upstate to visit my dad and along the way we made some stops. first we stopped at a farm and then we walked around New Paltz, then we drove into Woodstock and had some vegan treats at Garden Cafe. after that we drove to my dad's house where we ate dinner and picked pumpkins from his garden and made apple cider. the next day we went to church, where i sat through one of the most uncomfortable services ever, and i mean that in a good way. a very good way. after church we ate at a mexican restaurant, came home, got jammies on and watched documentaries until our eyes grew heavy. this morning when we got up it was cold out and we've had the windows open all day. things like this make me very happy to be alive. God is doing something big here. and by here, i mean in my little family. :)  

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Kitty Sisters.

these two started a band called the Kitty Sisters. but whenever they go to perform, they suddenly have no idea what they are doing. and it's hilarious and awesome and just the way it should be. for these kindred spirits went a long time without each other and are now just so happy to be together again. and i couldn't be any happier for them:)

Monday, August 15, 2011

Cancer, who are you a year later?

this morning i watched my beautiful children squeeze oranges and pour the fresh juice into their glass cups. after that we went out in the rain to pick fresh mint from the garden and we came back in and made home made lemon olive oil dressing infused with mint and organic blueberries. this is a perfect moment. i was in the midst of a perfect morning. tomorrow is a different story. tomorrow i wake up and jonathan will be home to watch the kids, and i will be going to the Cancer Center, where next week, marks a year ago of leaving that place behind to get on with a cancer-less life. tomorrow we will talk about my health. they will look at my blood. they will talk about cancer and remind me that making it to 5 years, now four years from now, will mean that my cancer will have been "cured". i will talk about things like how do i feel on a daily basis, how is my mental health, how are my energy levels, how am i sleeping, do i need anxiety medications, what if my cancer comes back, the probability of it, or the probability of it not. last night at dinner graycen said to me, "mommy, you don't need to worry about your cancer coming back. i pray for you everyday. but can you pray that me, and dune, lars, and daddy never get cancer?" i have real conversations like this with my five year old daughter. i am twenty nine. i look at my two baby boys and my young husband. i look down at my white socks and sneakers because i am was going to exercise after dinner. and i think to myself, "is this real?" these are weird moments for me. they contradict the way i see other people live their lives. they are the opposite of the dreams i had for my life as a child. when i kissed jonathan on our wedding day, i never imagined that before i turned thirty, cancer would have hit one of us. 

but what have i learned from all of this? above anything else, i have learned that life is a gift. that the fight is worth every bit of the sweat and tears poured into it. that the Creator of breath is breathing life into me at this very second and until He decides to stop i will inhale deeply and love, forgive, laugh, cry, change diapers, potty train twins, get my daughter ready for kindergarten, call my mom and tell her i love her, pick up my sister at the airport to visit us. i will clean dirty toilets, and make lunches. i will grocery shop, fill up my gas tank, spill things, break things. i will get dressed and undressed. i will feel upset, and i will feel pleased. i will get sick and then i will get well. i will watch my children start things and end things. i will be living and moving, i will be filling up space and trying to be an addition to those around me. i will fight with my husband. and i will make up with him. 

for the gift is in all of these things. the gift is not in the outcome, rather in the very act of the moments that make up my life. the gift isn't in whether or not someone can forgive me, but in the act of learning to forgive. my God has called me into the trenches and has not left my side. He has opened my horizon. i feel Him. 

a year later i am nothing without a Savior. and i have learned that fighting hard is worth every bit of tiring effort. and from The One who can fill me, the One who never tires and has no beginning and end, and therefore can keep carrying me, i will live a life worthy of the calling i have received. (Ephesians 4:1) 

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Leaving Florida, part one.

i took a bunch of pictures of our last week in Florida. this is from one of those days. i took the kids out to this big field behind our old neighborhood and photographed graycen while talking to her about leaving. i love how so much of what was captured on her face was the sincerity of leaving what had become home to us, but the hope that we were returning to be a whole family again. today graycen's friends in Florida are starting kindergarten. if we were still there, today would probably be the most exciting day of her life. but i have hope that in a few short weeks she will be embarking on her own journey here, starting grade school, making friends, and deepening her walk with the Lord. to all of our florida friends who really became a part of our florida family, have a wonderful day of starting a new chapter in your lives. we miss you!
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