Monday, August 15, 2011

Cancer, who are you a year later?

this morning i watched my beautiful children squeeze oranges and pour the fresh juice into their glass cups. after that we went out in the rain to pick fresh mint from the garden and we came back in and made home made lemon olive oil dressing infused with mint and organic blueberries. this is a perfect moment. i was in the midst of a perfect morning. tomorrow is a different story. tomorrow i wake up and jonathan will be home to watch the kids, and i will be going to the Cancer Center, where next week, marks a year ago of leaving that place behind to get on with a cancer-less life. tomorrow we will talk about my health. they will look at my blood. they will talk about cancer and remind me that making it to 5 years, now four years from now, will mean that my cancer will have been "cured". i will talk about things like how do i feel on a daily basis, how is my mental health, how are my energy levels, how am i sleeping, do i need anxiety medications, what if my cancer comes back, the probability of it, or the probability of it not. last night at dinner graycen said to me, "mommy, you don't need to worry about your cancer coming back. i pray for you everyday. but can you pray that me, and dune, lars, and daddy never get cancer?" i have real conversations like this with my five year old daughter. i am twenty nine. i look at my two baby boys and my young husband. i look down at my white socks and sneakers because i am was going to exercise after dinner. and i think to myself, "is this real?" these are weird moments for me. they contradict the way i see other people live their lives. they are the opposite of the dreams i had for my life as a child. when i kissed jonathan on our wedding day, i never imagined that before i turned thirty, cancer would have hit one of us. 

but what have i learned from all of this? above anything else, i have learned that life is a gift. that the fight is worth every bit of the sweat and tears poured into it. that the Creator of breath is breathing life into me at this very second and until He decides to stop i will inhale deeply and love, forgive, laugh, cry, change diapers, potty train twins, get my daughter ready for kindergarten, call my mom and tell her i love her, pick up my sister at the airport to visit us. i will clean dirty toilets, and make lunches. i will grocery shop, fill up my gas tank, spill things, break things. i will get dressed and undressed. i will feel upset, and i will feel pleased. i will get sick and then i will get well. i will watch my children start things and end things. i will be living and moving, i will be filling up space and trying to be an addition to those around me. i will fight with my husband. and i will make up with him. 

for the gift is in all of these things. the gift is not in the outcome, rather in the very act of the moments that make up my life. the gift isn't in whether or not someone can forgive me, but in the act of learning to forgive. my God has called me into the trenches and has not left my side. He has opened my horizon. i feel Him. 

a year later i am nothing without a Savior. and i have learned that fighting hard is worth every bit of tiring effort. and from The One who can fill me, the One who never tires and has no beginning and end, and therefore can keep carrying me, i will live a life worthy of the calling i have received. (Ephesians 4:1) 

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