Monday, March 5, 2012

Where We Offer Grace, Over And Over Again.

In the dark last night I heard him say, "I can't sleep." I reached for my phone to check the time and it was 1:40 in the morning. I was wrestling with sleep too and he sensed it as my body had been tossing and turning for what seemed like all night. He said he couldn't stop thinking. I told him I use to have this problem for years in my early 20's. I would be up all night just trying to rearrange the thoughts in my head nice enough until I was comfortable with the version of my life that would allow me to get some sleep that night. I told him, sometimes, that still happens. I also told him, it changes nothing. Then we started talking about our faith. I told him that when I was diagnosed with cancer it forced me to live and for me, what came after the possibility of death, was my faith. That whatever and how ever I worked, somehow, it fit into God's great plans. I also said that we have to trust that. Then I felt him take my hand. We turned our bodies toward each other, there in our bed, in the dark, in the night, and he began to pray. Our faces were so close, I could feel his middle of the night breath all over my face as he said words like, "children, finances, peace, work, school, health, wife, sister, brothers, family, Haiti, tornado, victims, church..." It went on. And then he said to God, "I had it all wrong, and You clothed me." He was holding my hand so tight at that point I could feel the pulse, the blood pumping in our grip of one another, our oneness and our cry out to God. We need Him. Jonathan and I need Him. We are two people filled with holes, and we need the Great Carpenter to help patch them up. We need Him. We are two people that get it wrong, that struggle with pain, and addictions, and sin. We need grace replenished, and we need forgiveness over and over and over again. We need to know that He loves us so much that we cause Him to suffer on the cross everyday, and He still choses us. This is real marriage. It's the grip and hold in the middle of the night when we want to consider , "what about the option of living in fear?" It's the direction we can offer each other when we get led astray. It's the standing in front of each other and knowing that it's going to be hard, but it's going to be worth it. It's saying that we know we are here for our children, but we are also here for each other. Oh my, that feels good. It's saying, I know your sin, and you know mine. And I love you. And through Him, let's give each other grace, over and over and over and over and over again. Let's let our words have life and let's do our best to give them a good one.  
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