Thursday, September 27, 2012

An Emotional Baby. .

so much of my christian faith has been increased after a major blow. i have found my most intimate and exposed conversations with Christ have come at a time where i am naked and raw, when i start seeing myself as what i really am, a sinner in need of my Savior. i have probably exercised my right to my faith more in being a wife and mother than any other call in my life. the fragility of the right choice, the slight separations between right and wrong, the calls i make effect the family around me, and that great need of Jesus' still small voice to guide me. it was ever so more after being diagnosed with cancer two years ago. i held my babies with bruised arms eaten up by the chemotherapy that was then owning my body. my ship had sailed. and i was going alone. for where was this God i had fallen in love with as a little girl but failed to see His hand at work in my life as an adult? that diagnosis sent me out to sea. my mind it wondered. my faith it collapsed. and i shattered in the great depths of a suffocating sadness. 

here i am two years later. in the past two years i have learned a great deal about what the bible says about my life. about sadness. about hurt, hunger, pain, fear. and getting to a place where i accept that things are wrong until Jesus comes back to set it right. i have since set sail back to my first love. i have since come back born again as not only a believer of Jesus Christ but as a follower. i have since come back to lay in the arms of a God who created this passionate love between us, a God who is love. 

i heard this song a few months after i had packed up myself and my kids and moved down to Florida. if i can remember correctly i was sitting in my room, after downloading this song, on my bed, and began to weep like the tiniest people in the house. i was no bigger emotionally, than a baby. yet, there God was. when i realized that God doesn't need pretty, or well done, or good deeds, or church membership. when i realized that He actually saw me broken, alone, crumbled, and tired, that He finally had gotten my attention, and that He was there all along, i woke up to hear Him say, "now. now get to know the real Me. so you can know what that says about you. and you can finally begin to show people what it says about them." God loves you. sail home. 

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