Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Oh Christmas Tree.

i was really worried how that yellow piano would fit in among all the red and green, but somehow it works and i kind of love it.

just a few more weeks till my family starts arriving for Christmas. i can't wait.

i really love our tree this year. i narrowed it down to all of our favorite ornaments and kept it simple, just lights this time, no fancy garlands. the kids did most of it, i had to move around a few, ( a lot) when they weren't looking. Dune and Lars put all the ornaments at their level. I had to fix that;) pine candles burning, Sufjan Stevens Christmas albums from now till january, and tons of time in the kitchen. i really love this time of year. it's is the best!

Monday, December 2, 2013


as much as our bellies were stuffed, it was my heart that was really full. we had friends over on thanksgiving, and i am glad my dad was here with us too. delicious food, a lot of laughs, and in general the noise level, the hustle and bustle of life happening is what i will remember most from this thanksgiving. jonathan and i said it over and over again this weekend, that we are literally in the best of the best moments of our lives, these magical times where our children are just so little and so unaffected by what's going on around them, these years where every last drip is to be savored. making mental notes constantly and later literally falling onto my knees and giving thanks to God for allowing me to be a part of this.

my heart is open and waiting as we head into this season of advent. as we prepare of ourselves to prayerfully seek God's will to give more, way more, than to receive. will we respond to that? will we give up whatever we are clinging to? will we wait as we retell the story of the little babe in the manger and a young mom, will we wait selflessly? will we wait in anticipation of the promise made by a Savior who loves us that He would come once and believe that He is coming again? friends, breathe. the best gift has already come. there is a relief in that. and that gift is for you.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving!

above are some pictures i've taken with my phone recently. it's getting dark early now. i made our family an advent calendar and strung it above the fireplace. i started reading "The Book Thief", we woke up this morning to a frozen lake, and it's most definitely the best time of year for sweaters and slippers.

 we are getting ready over here for Thanksgiving. all three kids will be home tomorrow helping me clean house, set up, prep food, and bake pies. it will be a busy but lovely day and i'm really looking forward to it. i feel like we are in the middle of the prime years with our kids, like they are really getting excited over the holidays. they are starting to each one make certain requests, and it makes me realize that those are the traditions we've already started as a family and nothing, nothing makes me happier. they all want to know if i'm making their favorite things and of course i am. it's not just the food obviously. it's my family. i love these people so much i could burst. i crawled into bed with graycen last night and we laid in the dark listing off a few of the things we are most thankful for. she sat up and said, "today my teacher asked if we've ever had anyone in our families that have been really really sick. and i raised my hand and said, 'yes, my mom.' and is it okay if i just cry about that right now, mom? is it okay? i just want to cry." so she did. and i did. and we laid together in her bed and cried, not because we were sad or anything. i mean the past memories, some of them do make me very sad, but that's not really why we were crying. we were crying because we are thankful. we are just so, so thankful for it all.

Happy Thanksgiving!


"I am grateful for what I am and have. My thanksgiving is perpetual. It is surprising how contented one can be with nothing definite- only a sense of existence."- Henry David Thoreau

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Hot and Cold.

i saw a video on facebook the other day that someone had posted. it was of newborn twins that hadn't figured out that they were born yet. it was particularly touching to watch because i'm a mom of twins. it allowed me to get a glimpse into a world of theirs that i will never know. theirs is a bond that run so deep, so entwined, so connected and no matter how much i try to understand it, i never will. the babies in the video were still holding tight to one another, the way they had in the womb. whenever they were disturbed they reacted like they were falling, limbs flailing.

i cried while i watched this video, reminding me this part of life that i got to take place in. two humans, two babies, growing in the same womb, my womb. dune and lars are amazingly close. watching them reminds me of marriage. they have good days and they have bad days. the are individuals, but much like that video, when life disturbs one of them they both react like they are falling. lately though they have been running hot and cold. one day i will get a sense that one may be more needy for whatever reason and the other one gets easily annoyed. the other night it had escalated so quickly that i pulled them apart and talked to them one on one. "don't you know how special it is to have a twin brother? don't you know?" i want them to see it... but then again i don't. often we get a handle of something important due to tragedy or loss or suffering. i don't want that for any of my children. it occurred to me that they don't know how special it is the same way i don't know how special it is to have brown hair, or two arms, or both my feet. dune and lars are an extension of each other, a vital necessity in their web of life. the only way at this age to understand the depths of what that means is to go without. thank God we are in a season with them where it is cold and hot, night and day, in your face, hugging, yelling, laughing, and crying. this season is one of the sweetest because it reminds me that we are blessed by noise and they are in fact not without... but with.

Monday, November 18, 2013

the weekend, in iphone pics.

from the top-

1. it's boot weather. although today has thrown us a curve ball and it feels like spring. i don't know. im so confused! but hey, i'll take it. seasonal affective disorder is no fun.

2. i can't explain how hard jonathan works. sometimes i think i have keep this blog just to use as a space for bragging rights. but it's a blog, and it's my blog after all so imma gonna keep bragging. first he spent every night last week scraping off horrible wallpaper that we've been living with in the upstairs hallway for the past two years. every time he wanted to stop he probably just envisioned a day where i wouldn't complain about it and that was all the motivation he needed to keep going. i kid! not really. then this weekend he painted, i helped with this too. and we painted and painted and painted, and this morning we are about 85% of the way done. it looks so beautiful and bright up there already and i am thrilled at how it's turning out. since the hallway is the size of a room we are going to use it as a t.v/ game room/ playroom for the kids.

3. because we haven't had enough painting we are going to paint Graycen's room next. she's been picking out paint colors every time we are at the paint supply store (which happens to be everyday) and in the picture above she was explaining why she wants her room blue. her room will never ever be blue. but she can keep trying to convince me. but her room will never be blue.

4. this picture of lars was only a few hours before he decided that we haven't been doing enough around the house and that we should add- cleaning up his throw up- to that list. baby boy stayed home with me today and then i got a call from the nurse to come pick up graycen who said she felt like she was going to throw up. am i having fun yet? not nearly enough, because guess what. you're right! i'm sick too!

5. which leads me to this last picture. because ludens are good and really just candy, and burts bees because those actually work.

hope everyone had a great weekend! i'm gonna go disinfect the house, make tea, and sit in the sun:)

Friday, November 15, 2013

Jumping Back In.

i guess i go through seasons regarding my relationship to this blog. i get in certain places in my life where i feel really open, ideas come easily to share and feelings are apparent and clear, so i have no problem sitting down and jotting it out for a while. but the last two months have closed me right up. truth is, i've been wrestling with some major things in my life, some involving people i love, some not. but either way i knew not to write during that time because i didn't feel i had the ability not to share how frustrated and bent i was becoming by people that surround me. i was afraid that i couldn't write honestly and from a place that was raw, because if i had it would have shed too much light on the darkness and i'm not sure that would have been fair. so i stopped writing. and i thought that it might be time to stop this blog all together. i mean, a blog is for pretty selfish reasons after all, no? a bit cliche blogging is becoming. and i had every reason to stop. i wondered why i had to write and share it all... i questioned my intent behind it, and the purpose of it. really, i felt it was becoming too hard to write about the things i wanted to write about without hurting people in the process. so i began praying about writing a book, starting my book finally, writing while i am in the pain, while the suffering is still a part of me... i am going to do that, this coming year BIG GOALS. but i am also going to come back to this humble little space and challenge myself to be open again.

i am a woman of faith. and when i read the bible, i can't help but notice a theme. God doesn't want me to walk around the problems, He wants me to walk through them. He wants me to do it with a certain posture and grace, so that if others are following, watching- which they are, (i've got three little ones that are ALWAYS seeing the truth of my life) that they will stop and take notice. and when they stop to take notice, or in this case, read this blog, i want it to point to Christ. i want it to always point to Him. so when God lays a restlessness on my heart that i just can't shake, that i want to keep writing, that i won't be silent, I obey. i respond, i open up again, i leave it all on the table. and being vulnerable requires my trust in Him. and i trust Him.

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