Friday, May 31, 2013

Dare To Live Fully.

yesterday i picked up One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. I've been late to the game on this one. i've been hesitant to read it due to the cynical side of me thinking it would be too much fluff. 

But no.

 i opened it up and the words were rolling off the page as if she had crawled right into the last three years of my life and written with the perspective of my heart. she has written my book. she is talking about my life.

"It's the life between, the days of walking lifeless, the years calloused and simply going through the hollow motions, the self- protecting by self- distracting, the body never waking, that's lost all capacity to fully feel- this is the life in between that makes us the wild walking dead."

i put the book down at page 12 and have myself a good cry. i keep crying. 

i keep reading.

"How I wanted to surface and breathe and keep this skin on and live."

I'm outside while reading and my boys are playing at my feet. the sun is shining and sweat is rolling off my forehead. the sky is the brightest blue and as i keep reading i begin to shrink. i get smaller, and the world, God's magnificent world gets bigger. and i . am . convicted .

"Doctor's warning or not, the end will come, and this life of the bare toes across grass, the sky raining spring down on eyelashes, the skin spread close under sheets, blink of the fireflies on dusky June nights- all this will end."

this is hard to read. this is hard to read because although lovely and beautifully written, it brings up the past and exposes the brokenness of a life still unsatisfied, still wanting more. selfish me. 

"Though I can hardly whisper it, I live as though He stole what I consider rightly mine: happiest children, marriage of unending bliss, long, content, death-defying days. I look in the mirror, and if I'm fearlessly blunt- what I have, who I am, where I am, how I am, what I've got- this simply isn't enough."

there it is. the past. like a hard slap to my face. that was me. 

then cancer happened.

it woke my slumber state of living, my scratching at what was next, the feelings of missing out, the need for more. it woke me. cancer woke me up. 

God used cancer. literal cancer to expose all the cancers in my life. and being one with Jonathan, our union, He used my cancer to expose all of his cancers too. together we went down.

we went down to come back up. 

"I may have always known that change takes real intentionality, like a woman bent over her garden beds every day with a spade and the determined will to grow up something good to strengthen the heart."

to strengthen the heart.

so i put the book down last night. only reading into chapter three. this is a loaded read for me. a slow one, one to savor, digest, cry out, pray and repent. repent. repent. 

a dare to fully live. 

right here. 
right now. 


happy friday, friends. 
may your weekend be blessed and you live fully. 
right where you are. 

*all quotes are from the book, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp
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