Friday, July 12, 2013

Dune and Lars, You Are My Joy.

Dear Dune and Lars, 

        These words i am about to write are about as personal and difficult as i know how to feel. but regardless, here they are. 
        Last night i was in target picking up the last of the party supplies for your birthday party tomorrow (oh my gosh you are turning four the two of you!!!!) . i was checking out in line and the next row over  i saw the tiniest, most wrinkled little hand waving around wildly in a car seat. snug as a bug it was a new born baby. of course the baby caught my attention, but where my focus quickly zeroed in on was the new mom. she looked young, maybe her early twenties, and her mom was with her. the new mom was dressed in a hoodie and pajama bottoms and looked swollen and tired and blissfully happy. i think they may have stopped on the way home from the hospital because i know that look. that look of weary, wonderful new motherhood and that mother was wearing it all over. they finished up and walked out and i focused back on what i was doing, grabbing the batman masks out of my cart and handing them to the cashier. those masks suddenly looked so big, will they not fit? then i saw the age on them was 4+ and realized you two are not babies anymore. i paid for my things and walked outside where the sky was a hot pink and it was getting dark, the fireflies were out and i climbed into the car. i started to weep. i held my belly and got a little mad at myself. i got mad at my body for not working, for missing so much of your first year, for not getting time back, for never being able to be pregnant again. on the way home my sadness lifted as i began to worship Jesus and thank him for you two. 
       Your birthday's are always a hard thing for me. It's this time of year that serves as a reminder that i am less of a woman than most of my peers. that my body doesn't work the way it should and that i can never remember any details of your very first birthday. i know i was there, but i just can't remember. see, i came home from chemo that day, the day you both turned one and your aunt dani and GG (my mom) helped me on the couch. i do remember the motions of everyone coming in and out of the house, setting up the porch, where they would later walk me out to sit in a chair while we sang you both into your second year of life. i do remember that later that night i felt a stinging pain in my heart not knowing if this might possibly be all that i get of you two. 
       But this morning, as i woke up, i raised my shirt and put on a new patch, the one i wear for medicine to make my body work better, and i thought about all i have to do tomorrow to make your birthday party special. and then i started thinking how eventually, you both might not remember much of these birthdays, you might fail to remember the details, but the one thing i know you will look back on a never forget is that i was there. for all of them. 
       So boys, the real gift is not on your birthday, the real gift comes the next day on my birthday, and that my loves, are your lives. you are both a reminder that God still does miracles, that life can grown from and in the midst of death fighting for it. that this old body i carry around in a young age is in fact a beating heart that can still love passionately, wake up and make you a hot breakfast, kiss your pains, teach you about your loving Creator, and do it all again the next day. 
      Happy Birthday Dune and Lars! you are my joy! you are both unique in this family yet bonded together in an experience i consider myself most blessed to be a part of. i hope tomorrow is the most fun you've ever had, i hope you squeal with laughter and jump when you open your gifts. i hope you never doubt for a second that the fact that i am alive still is no more amazing than the fact that you two are too! you grew and thrived in the midst of many tumors, yet you grew. and you grew. and you grew. and on tuesday you both turn four. 

   oh, how i love you. Happy Birthday!
                                                                 Love, Mama

"I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane." - C. Von Radics
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