Thursday, August 1, 2013

Food, Lies, And Self Control.

sometimes i just need to hear God yell His truths to me. sometimes, that comes through self discipline.

almost two weeks ago i started out on a journey to get fit. i want to be active, i want to fit in my clothes better. i want a better relationship with Christ.

so 11 days ago i got up and instead of making coffee i read the fruits of the spirit. 1. love 2. joy 3. peace 4. longsuffering 5. kindness 6. goodness 7. faithfulness 8. gentleness and 9. self- control. self control. self control.

those words jumped out at me. self. control. see, i had already been on a weight loss- get healthy journey back in 2011, getting "clean" from chemo and even "cleaner" from worldly baggage. but time passed and more time passed and as that time kept going bye i tried doing more and more of this in my own power. a power i just don't have. so over the winter i knew something was off when i was getting really dizzy and abnormally dark circles under my eyes, my pants were getting tighter and i did not have a lot of energy. immediately my head went running to a place of petrified. i called my doctor and told him my symptoms and cried a few nights in bed before my appointment when they told me, "no, the cancer has not come back."

well, ok. GREAT! so the next day i got up and got dressed and now knowing that i was indeed just fine, i began to speak hateful words to myself about my image, my body, my arms, those pants, my shoes, my hair... and so it continued. it was the end of March, freezing cold and i had sat down for yet another dinner with my family where i would carb load at night and self hate in the morning, waking up with guilt and feeling even further from the One who created me.

then two weeks ago i turned 31. i was consumed with thoughts that were so negative that day that i almost let most of the day go by without thanking God for sustaining me, for keeping my life, for giving me a purpose for His kingdom, and making me for so much more. you see, i just couldn't lift my head. i couldn't look up. because i had fallen into a habit of looking down. until 11 days ago when i got up and instead of making coffee, i read the fruits of the spirit.

truth. it was faint, but i heard words of truth breaking through the walls i had created around my body. i began to hear that i needed to take better care of this body. that i needed more self discipline with food. that i needed to get my mind off of what meal i was going to make next and get my mind on Christ. i needed to dig in the Word and read what the bible says about the way i am talking to myself and thinking about food.

i began reading Made To Crave, by Lisa Terkeurst, and my eyes began opening... and filling with tears. this is it. this is the journey i am on, and this sister totally gets it! she writes, "because this wasn't really about the scale or what clothing size i was; it was about this battle that raged in my heart." and she is right. this is more about the battle that rages within the deepest darkest places of me, places i am not completely willing to share on this blog yet, but it's those places that this journey is about.

the past two weeks have been tough. i put myself on a cleanse and i am relearning what hungry and full feels like, how to make better choices, and the good ol' self control. for the first three days i had crippling headaches that were sweeping me with lies, and i would combat them with God's truth and a good old fashion cry. i also knew i needed to start exercising. THIS is where i could stop. right here. right now. but again, that's just another lie. i've always told myself, "running is for everyone else." "my body could neeeeevvvvveeeeerrrrr do that." "that's for people that are super thin." lie. lie. lie.

i have been waking up in the morning asking God to show me myself as a runner. to speak words and scripture into my soul to make me want to fly, feet pounding pavement kind of fly. i've been asking God to show me where i rely on food more than Him, even the right kinds of food. "Food can fill our stomachs, but not our souls", writes Lisa in her book, Made To Crave. she gets it.

i have been eating mostly vegetables in raw form, i've been drinking tons and tons of water and occasionally an herbal tea, i've been stopping at the first signal my brain sends out that i am full, and mostly i've been praying when i am craving a pizza and a movie, instead of a green juice and a run.

and i am persevering! this is not a diet as much as an eye opening realization that i have been placing food over God in my life. yes, there will be physical rewards along the way, but that is life in Christ! It's full of rewards and goodness and joy!!!

lastly, because i am in the beginning of a journey that may have no end, i leave you with some more words from Lisa's book... "The body God has given me is good. It's not perfect nor will it ever be. I still have cellulite. I still have cankles. And though I eat healthy, there are no guarantees- I'm just as susceptible as the next gal to get cancer or some other disease. But my body is a gift, a good gift for which i am thankful. being faithful in taking care of this gift by walking according to God's plans gives me renewed strength to keep a healthy view of my body."

friend, if you find yourself in a similar journey or are in one now, this is me high fiving you and giving you a great big hug. hug me back now, you hear! after crawling my way through last nights 3 miles run, i need a good hard hug! but i did it! i did it. "For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

  from last nights run. 
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