Friday, November 15, 2013

Jumping Back In.

i guess i go through seasons regarding my relationship to this blog. i get in certain places in my life where i feel really open, ideas come easily to share and feelings are apparent and clear, so i have no problem sitting down and jotting it out for a while. but the last two months have closed me right up. truth is, i've been wrestling with some major things in my life, some involving people i love, some not. but either way i knew not to write during that time because i didn't feel i had the ability not to share how frustrated and bent i was becoming by people that surround me. i was afraid that i couldn't write honestly and from a place that was raw, because if i had it would have shed too much light on the darkness and i'm not sure that would have been fair. so i stopped writing. and i thought that it might be time to stop this blog all together. i mean, a blog is for pretty selfish reasons after all, no? a bit cliche blogging is becoming. and i had every reason to stop. i wondered why i had to write and share it all... i questioned my intent behind it, and the purpose of it. really, i felt it was becoming too hard to write about the things i wanted to write about without hurting people in the process. so i began praying about writing a book, starting my book finally, writing while i am in the pain, while the suffering is still a part of me... i am going to do that, this coming year BIG GOALS. but i am also going to come back to this humble little space and challenge myself to be open again.

i am a woman of faith. and when i read the bible, i can't help but notice a theme. God doesn't want me to walk around the problems, He wants me to walk through them. He wants me to do it with a certain posture and grace, so that if others are following, watching- which they are, (i've got three little ones that are ALWAYS seeing the truth of my life) that they will stop and take notice. and when they stop to take notice, or in this case, read this blog, i want it to point to Christ. i want it to always point to Him. so when God lays a restlessness on my heart that i just can't shake, that i want to keep writing, that i won't be silent, I obey. i respond, i open up again, i leave it all on the table. and being vulnerable requires my trust in Him. and i trust Him.

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