Salt and Light.

Saturday.

2012-01-30T11:17:00.000-05:00

6:00 a.m.

7:00 a.m.

8:00 a.m.

10:00 a.m.

11:00 a.m.

12:00 p.m.

1:00 p.m.

2:00 p.m.

3:00 p.m.

4:00 p.m.

5:00 p.m.

6:00 p.m.

9:00 p.m.

Friday Food Recap.

2012-01-27T13:03:00.005-05:00

steel cut oats, organic berries, cinnamon, and pure maple syrup. tea.

chai tea with almond milk. whole grain bread with organic peanut butter, raw honey, and organic bananas.

plums with agave and cinnamon.

pear with honey and nutmeg.

pukka cleanse tea. one of my favs.

roasted veggies. anything we had in the fridge.

sweet potato and cinnamon.

whole grain bread, fieldroast, organic baby spinach, maple champagne mustard. roasted tomatoes and steamed broccoli.

toast with avocado, baby spinach, cherry tomatoes, sea salt.

fruit salad.

marinated kale, onion, tomato, and pink peppercorn.

steel cut oats, banana, cranberries, cinnamon, and pure maple syrup.

steel cut oats, organic frozen mixed berries.

bread alone health bread toasted, earth balance, local honey.

lentil tacos in organic romaine leaves, daiya cheese, black beans, salsa, cabbage, toffuti sour cream.

roasted fennel and artichoke.

maple roasted Brussels sprouts, orange slices, and red zinger tea.

i love food. it's one of my favorite things. and eating is one of my favorite things to do. i love taking pictures and ever since i went to a plant based vegan diet i started noticing how pretty food is! the more untouched it remains, the better in photographs. so when i started taking pictures of food, i wondered, what exactly am i doing this for? but i realized, i love it! it is a little different than taking pictures of my kids running around or trying to get them to sit for a picture. i don't know the last time they did that! so, at least food cooperates. not only that, but food is very important to me. i view it like my medicine. the right food has the potential to save my life, and most certainly change my life. i cook a lot. we eat out too, but if i can make something at home, i would prefer it. my kids are great eaters. not everything goes over well, not even with Jonathan! Ha! but i keep trying none the less.

so i am thinking of every friday, dedicating it to food. i'll post all the pictures i take of the stuff we eat all week. maybe you will try things too, or maybe it will change your mind that vegans don't have as much fun as carnivores. you will quickly see that we get more than a sufficient amount of vitamins and nutrients just by what we eat. so take a look... and get hungry!

(also, you will see steel cut oats, A LOT. we eat oatmeal almost everyday.)

It's Your Day.

2012-01-27T08:26:00.000-05:00

happy birthday beloved. it's your day. i am so looking forward to slipping away with you tonight to go to a fancy dinner, to eat uninterrupted and to talk about all we're learning in this life. our conversations are so good, aren't they my love? i cherish you. every breathe and beat of your heart belongs to me. it's been hard work to get here, but darling, it's so worth it. and i know you would say the same. i am blessed beyond any measure that i get to know you better than anyone else in this world will know you. God sees me fit for this. it makes me blush. i know you as my friend, and lover, helper, and leader. i know you and stand as your wife. and today it's your birthday darling, and i love you. and i like you. i feel a pull closer to you daily, a strength between us that is growing as we mature, and a romance and dance with our One and Only Jesus that will keep us as a union till the end.

it was a pleasure to celebrate your life with the littles last night, and to be up early this morning with them as they sang in unison "happy birthday to you..." over the phone. we are doing this my love. we are. and i am pleased to a part of it. to watch the love of my life age, grow, and mature into the man that God knows he will become. and I, my darling, get to call myself your wife.

let's keep aging together. let's keep letting life weather us, shape us, transform us, and teach us. and then at the end of the day lets tell each other about it.

i love you. Happy Birthday, from your beloved.

Hello Jesus.

2012-01-24T13:32:00.002-05:00

As i have come to understand death exchanged for life, paid for by Christ, will go something like this, from, dear God.... to.... Hello God. This morning my friend Toni met God as a reward for being faithful and dedicated to Him here on earth. Today she met Jesus. this morning i just kept whispering those words, hello Jesus.... i have let myself rest in those two soft, comforting, transforming words, "hello Jesus." this morning, perhaps that moment of released breath here, to an inhaled scent of Christ up there, is when she said it. Hello Jesus.

there is great promise that comes from the single act of resurrection of our Savior. for those who believe, they themselves are promised their own resurrection. and what could be more hopeful than that. but even Jesus took time to be alone, and weep. and we must allow ourselves that too. i am letting this soak in and marinate my heart, and in just another way Toni is impacting me and leading me closer to my sweet God.

this morning i took dune and lars to the river. my life in contrast to the mountains, the sun, the sky, the birds, the trees... what does it all mean? why is it all there? I pondered, i searched, i cried. i walked away with the answer... it's there. for me. it's there in the details that God says to me, "I am for you." it's there that i can keep fighting. it is there that Jesus romances me and wins my heart more and more each day.

i ask that you pray for Toni's family, as they lost a truly remarkable part of their lives today. that they have peace that she is no longer fighting to live, but now fully alive.

with eyes closed, listen with your soul. and it's likely it will open up singing.

Hearts Breaking.

2012-01-20T12:38:00.001-05:00

Today i got the news that a dear friend and fellow Woman of Hope, has gone into hospice. hearing this makes me want to soak in the light of Christ, to sit at the feet of Jesus and stand in the truth that very soon, Christ will greet my friend and give her a new body. hearts are breaking, but Lord, You restore. You are there for those who mourn.

Jesus, you have gotten my attention. Speak to me.

1 Corinthians 15:51-57

But let me tell you something wonderful, a mystery I'll probably never fully understand. We're not all going to die—but we are all going to be changed. You hear a blast to end all blasts from a trumpet, and in the time that you look up and blink your eyes—it's over. On signal from that trumpet from heaven, the dead will be up and out of their graves, beyond the reach of death, never to die again. At the same moment and in the same way, we'll all be changed. In the resurrection scheme of things, this has to happen: everything perishable taken off the shelves and replaced by the imperishable, this mortal replaced by the immortal. Then the saying will come true:

   Death swallowed by triumphant Life!
   Who got the last word, oh, Death?
   Oh, Death, who's afraid of you now?
It was sin that made death so frightening and law-code guilt that gave sin its leverage, its destructive power. But now in a single victorious stroke of Life, all three—sin, guilt, death—are gone, the gift of our Master, Jesus Christ. Thank God!

My Body.

2012-01-12T14:32:00.003-05:00

Dear Graycen, Dune, and Lars,

   this is what i write to you about my body, your characteristics, the similarities, the warning, and the surrender of sorts. at times you may hear me talk of something i don't like or wish i could change about myself. on any given day this can be a battle to get my eyes off of myself and get them focused on my calling for Christ, the calling of which i respond to let God move my ground. you might even hear words so meaningless as this, "i don't like my nose," "i have nothing to wear," "i wish i could lose weight." i want you to know for the record that these are all lies. this is not of God. for God made me in His image and the likely hood is that He has given and equipped me with everything i need to serve Him fully, including my body. these are lies i hear in my head that get in the way of that. God did something when i had you three. He put little pieces of myself inside of you. things i would recognize, things that would help bond us, things that would help mothering you seem more like a love story. Graycen, in you i see my eyes. sweet darling, when we look at each other, there are moments when i am at a loss for words, for looking at you is like looking at myself. you are my first, and there is no mistake in God's designing of your spirit. Dune, although you are a twin, you were the next of my babies that i met, and when i saw you i melted a thousand times. you have my nose, my child, and my chin, and smile. we are, i believe, versions of each other. Lars, you are indeed my baby who everyone says, "he looks just like his father." but when i have you all to myself, and no one else is around, i see me somewhere in there. mostly, our hearts are what makes mine skip a beat. we are kindred. we are both so exposed.

my beautiful children, may you know now, that God is telling me something. to love ourselves is a crucial step in the surrendering to the will of God. i pray daily that you accept yourself as part of a step in God's perfect plan for humanity. My prayer for His calling in your life grows deeper daily, that you respond to Him before the lies of the world. that you know your honor and value comes from being made in His image and are bought by His blood. that you don't fall victim to that of what the world wants you to become, just buying into another lie of false self image. know that your daddy and i hold you with high esteem and feel great honor in watching you grow. and know that what's familiar to me about you, and one day you'll see is familiar to you about me, are the things of that which God has placed in us, they are the divine and perfect.

Psalm 139:13-16 (MSG)

  Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
      you formed me in my mother's womb.
   I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
      Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
      I worship in adoration—what a creation!
   You know me inside and out,
      you know every bone in my body;
   You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
      how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
   Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
      all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
   The days of my life all prepared
      before I'd even lived one day.

Wordless Wednesday.

2012-01-11T14:21:00.001-05:00

What Do I Do With What God's Given Me?

2012-01-10T14:29:00.001-05:00

For Dune and Lars.

what do i do with what God's given me? you were no mistake you two, no mistake at all. your lives are a well thought out plan that fits somewhere between creation and Jesus's return. you have meaning and purpose and will grow from boys to stand tall as men. What do i do with what God's given me? should i pass the days complaining of the work it takes to pick up after two rambunctious toddlers? should i worry that one day you won't listen to your mother's advice? should i think up good reasons to offer to people that question as to why i parent you both based on the principle of grace? or should i begin each day with my face pointed toward the sky, tears falling on either side of my cheeks, as i marvel at the fact that God has given you both to me. there are two hands, two ears, two eyes, two breasts, two shoulders that were and are there for both of you. i'm multi layered and double sided for you two. i am slow to anger and quick to respond, i am. i am in love with you both and there is enough for 12 lifetimes. you two are special and unique. i want you to know that i prayerfully seek leadership over your lives and as to how this fits into God's plan for you. i've been given a big job, i have. i've been given the job of taking you precious boys and leading you into well groomed, God fearing men, who will one day lead your families, raise your babies, point lost hearts toward the love of Jesus, and eventually come back home to thank your Mama. you boys are a miracle that i can not begin to wrap my head around, so when i am at a loss, i'll just wrap my arms.

Times Square Fills Our Hearts.

2012-01-09T14:41:00.000-05:00

we were so blessed by a visit with our friends last week! they were here from Florida and we met up with them one day in Times Square. we had so much fun. i mean, sooooo much fun! of course the hours felt like minutes and we suddenly found ourselves saying good bye. it did wonders to my little girls heart and spirit to visit with her friend Isabelle. and it did a number on her to have to hug her goodbye. but i can truly say i know the answer to the question- is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all? the answer is, it is always better to have loved. and we will see you again sweet friends! counting down for June. ;)

Scenes From Christmas And A Happy New Year.

2012-01-06T14:45:00.001-05:00

It's a new year. i like that. Christmas was wonderful and dreamy, just the way i imagined it would be. we had our family around us so that made it perfect. it wasn't a white Christmas but we played outside in the leaves and that was a pretty good trade off. we ate a lot, opened lots of presents and ended the night with a bonfire. i watched the love of my life's face light up at the reaction of our children opening their presents. wow, am i blessed. ;)

a new year is here. last year i made so many major changes. i swapped hot dogs with veggie burgers, junk food with dried fruit, diet soda for more water, cow milk with home made nut "milk", starch for kale, booze for herbal tea, and let go of a load of guilt. i got lighter in many ways, and began to soar in areas i never trusted would get off the ground. God has done big things in the past with my wavering and shaky faith. so this year, i resolve to keeping myself healthy as best i can, to growing my faith from that tiny mustard seed, to doing the work and sowing the reward, to telling people the good news that began in the form of a baby, to keeping Christmas in my heart all year long, for simplifying my life, and expanding our memories, to saying "yes" to my kids more, and "no" to things that are unimportant, to showing Jonathan in tangible ways how big my love is for him. And to growing and expanding this home, our roots in this ground, to bring God all the glory.

This Is Home.

2011-12-16T14:58:00.005-05:00

we're home. waking up in this house feels more than right. it feels like everything that has ever occurred in jonathan and my life has led up to the front door of this house. here we will see life grow. we will be witness to the seasons changing in our lives and the walls that contain them. the path and goals will be accompanied by the squeak of the floor boards. here we will do our living as our house continues to age. reality of the maturity of this home came the first night we were here. a cold draft came creeping in through every window. the oven is broken, and the bathroom upstairs is barely usable. i guess i have a soft spot in my heart for things that are longing to be rebuilt. i guess i see it as a bit like me in that sense. the holding on for what's to come, the yearning for the remodeling. the joy that comes in the morning...

Goodbye Driveway.

2011-12-09T14:12:00.002-05:00

goodbye driveway. you were the host and star to over 1,000 make believe stories. you captured our hearts with all of your stones, and made us curse under our breathe when we'd have to shovel you out from under the snow. we drove down you with two new baby boys in tow bringing them home for the first time. you served as a place for pacing when i was diagnosed with cancer. we ran you over and over giggling louder and louder over the past 5 years, and we are ready to drive off of you for good. tomorrow we drive up a new driveway. a much shorter driveway. we are ready. i am excited. i want to move on. i am looking forward to our new address and all the beautiful things it holds in its ground, like for one, i'll have a cedar closet. that's right, a cedar closet. i am ready to drink tea beneath a new maple tree, and i am ready to fasten a tire to the big oak in the front and listen to my children play through open windows come spring. i am ready for a change in chapters, or perhaps the start of a whole new book. so, we move on.

Early Christmas Gifts.

2011-12-08T15:54:00.000-05:00

dune and lars found some of their christmas presents this morning. i obviously failed to understand the double super powers they hold as twins and did not hide them well enough. but they were enjoying the little vintage golden books i picked up for them a couple weeks ago, that instead of stopping them, i decided to photograph them. i hope this is just a taste of what Christmas morning will be like this year. they were so excited that i got them "Eggbert" books, but really they were Humpty Dumpty. heehee

....

today i was hoping that you would click on the link provided and read a bit about Compassion International. you can learn there how to sponsor a child or even buy cows or sheep for families in need. this year we are getting involved and we are buying sheep for a family that could so greatly benefit from that. all it takes for us to do that is to forgo a meal or two out at a restaurant to help these families that are struggling. won't you prayerfully consider doing the same, or more? i am praying God keeps our hearts, ears, and eyes open to what really matters this Christmas. Give joyfully! click HERE to find out more.

Eggbert And Other Things That Make Me Feel Like A Kid.

2011-12-07T13:21:00.002-05:00

we took the kids, (we took ourselves) to see Eggbert the other day. oh, and it did not disappoint. Eggbert was a big deal for jonathan and i when we were kids. our parents took us every year, and every year we would try to figure out how he knew our names (we wore name tags), and every year we would collect an ornament to add to our Eggbert ornament collection. i think i read on the web site that they stopped bringing Eggbert out for Christmas time in the 90's. but it was something we both brought up every year. Eggbert the talking Egg! my sister and i have such good memories of Eggbert that there hasn't been a Christmas that's passed where we haven't talked about that little egg. so naturally when we found out that this year they would start it again, we got so excited! we found out fast that we were excited, and so was everyone else! there were long lines, and we went first thing in the morning. i heard that later on in the day it gets really long, like 2 hours long. we were in and out in about 30 minutes. my kids loved it. dune is still saying, "eggberrrrt" in his sweet little voice. my kids also like any place where there are farm animals and we got to pet a few. Graycen told me later on though, "mom i was kind of scared of that Egg." hahahaha, exactly! Jonathan and i think that the average age between us was 10 when we figured out how Eggbert knew our names. it took Graycen by the time they were finishing writing her name on her name tag to look at me and say, "mom, that's how he knows our names. they are written on our name tags." oh, right. we already know she is smarter than we were, and are .

later we came home and my mother in law came over and we made Christmas cookies. Jonathan finished up the lights outside our house and when it got dark i brought Graycen over to see it. i stood in the driveway with her and i felt nostalgic and warm, alive and right.

to find out more about Eggbert click here.

A Bath.

2011-12-05T13:08:00.000-05:00

never in my whole life did i imagine that i would be able to be a part of something like this... raising two little boys, side by side, adventures, and love pouring out. this morning lars woke up so miserable. i put them in the bath and that seemed to solve every problem they've ever had in their tiny lives. baths can do that, you know? we listened to "somewhere over the rainbow" a half a dozen times, and i sat back and watched this all unfold. what a gift today has been.

A Thrill Of Hope, The Weary Soul Rejoices.

2011-12-01T13:11:00.002-05:00

December sure knows how to romance me. we woke up this December 1st and found the fallen leaves covered in sparkly frost. to my hearts content we celebrated. today makes day one of advent with the kids and i couldn't be more excited. jonathan and i started two nights ago together and we read this. already our souls are burning with anticipation. tonight with the children we are going to begin the Truth in the Tinsel. graycen especially is ready to meditate on the promise that one day her King will return for the world He loves.

today i took dune and lars down Broadway to go wreathe siting. there we saw the mostly untouched vintage allure of downtown Newburgh, the wreathes hanging over Broadway Tailor, the garland strung around the chocolate shop. we then headed up Grand Street and pointed out all the wreathes on those beautiful big doors, while listening to Christmas music. i sipped a gingerbread latte, and my boys bounced up and down singing Jingle Bells as loud as they could. the best gift i could receive is the one i already have, again and again. and with God's latest blessing in my life, the one where i faced my mortality and He gave me a chance to keep going, i see things in all their beauty. i see things in His beauty.

"I’ve always been fascinated by the intersection of art and faith and, in fact, have always thought of all art as a spiritual experience.
Art seeks to tell the truth in dark places (movie houses, theatres, sanctuaries, museums) and it seems to me that’s what faith in God seeks to do as well – tell the truth in dark places.
We cannot hope to do this well unless we commit to a process of inner work and guidance from a higher power.
I have found that when I’m brave enough to venture into these arenas (into these intersections); when I’m able to offer my full self; when my inner self has been explored,
I tell the most truth and I create the best work." Blaine Hogan

"The wound is the place where Light enters you." Rumi

Please enjoy a song from one of my favorites from his Christmas album. play this loud is all i can say. prepare to get chills.

Wordless Wednesday.

2011-11-30T13:33:00.000-05:00

Preparing For Advent.

2011-11-29T15:36:00.000-05:00

i put out the first decorations around our new home. i hung some fresh wreathes, and cut juniper berries that smell so good i could cry. in a good way!

we are getting our hearts and home ready for the birth of our Savior. we wait anxiously for our coming King! He is already sitting at the right hand of God, but we take this coming month to learn to walk closer to our Jesus, the man who changed it all. this month of December we dedicate to knowing Christ more, learning who God really is, impressing it upon our children's hearts, and for Jonathan and i to remember that we are still saved by grace that came in the form of a baby. as a mother i am excited to revel with Mary ready to meet her babe, the Son of Man.

Thanks and Giving.

2011-11-28T14:11:00.001-05:00

with Thanksgiving behind us already, our minds are on Christmas. this year my family and i have decided among ourselves that we would all like to consume less and give away more. over the next month i am going to be linking to web sites that can help you to get involved in areas of giving that speak to your own hearts. today's is Giving Anonymously. go take a visit to their web site! this is an absolute brilliant idea, and we probably all know someone who could benefit from this. I am so excited to make this Christmas matter in bigger ways than ever before. i am thrilled that this year Graycen has an understanding that penetrates her soul as i watch her eagerly want to get involved. i am reminded that this is all about Jesus' birth and His message of giving it all away. my family, in our own small way, want to give away more, and more, and more. and we hope you will too:)

We measure growth by our height; God measures it by our depth. We measure what we have; God measures what we've given.

A Very Thankful Edition Of Wordless Wednesday.

2011-11-23T15:26:00.001-05:00

....

i am so very thankful for God's grace, for the chance to fight for life, for each miracle that is Graycen, Dune, and Lars, for a revived love with Jonathan that is transforming my heart, that even today God still speaks to His people, and for beautiful blessings that come out of the dark and into the light. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

DIY Pom Pom Garland.

2011-11-21T14:39:00.000-05:00

i saw the above felted ball garland over at The Land Of Nod for $34.99. i usually buy my felt balls here, but it's on back order. and i didn't want to wait so i went to hobby lobby and picked up some pom pom balls and gave it a go.

what you'll need: a big needle, thread, and lots of colorful pom poms. start by threading your needle. after you have picked your color pattern you can begin stringing your pom poms. i let the little ones pick the colors and hand them to me, so there is no real pattern to mine at all. i just made sure there weren't two of the same color in a row. after i had strung about 7 feet worth, i tied off the ends.

when we move over to the new house i am going to get the kids their own tiny tree to put upstairs in the hallway between their two bedrooms. i am going to decorate it with all the things that we make together. but you can put them anywhere. i am going to make a strand when my felt comes and hang them from the chandelier over our dining room table. ooo, pretty!

all this came in at a total of $2.99 plus tax. yippee!

Wordless Wednesday.

2011-11-16T10:10:00.001-05:00

Crafty Holiday.

2011-11-15T14:10:00.000-05:00

we won't be in our new old house by Thanksgiving, but hopefully we will be shortly after. it still won't keep me from decorating the house we are in now while we are still here. since i can't make many investments , for the fact that most of our funds are going towards the house, i've decided to work on some projects at home this week, stuff i can do with graycen, dune, and lars and most of the stuff we already have on hand. yesterday we made a felt leaf garland for our fireplace mantel, and today we worked on wax leaves made from crayon scraps and wax paper. in between i have even found time to make a terrarium with dune and lars for some of their dinos. i am finally going to give their best dinos a proper home in the new house, so i am finding time to work on them now. that will give me one less thing to do as the next few weeks we will be finishing up the renovations on the house, getting ready for Christmas, and moving in to hopefully run down the creaky old stairs on Christmas morning.

My Sister Was Here.

2011-11-14T16:50:00.001-05:00

my sister was in town for the weekend last week and we had so much fun. we always do. which makes it terribly difficult to say good bye and i always get stuck in a weird funk for a few days after she's left. my mom had only left two days before her so my funk lasted till, oh i don't know, this morning? but today i picked myself up off the floor and started some serious holiday planning, which leads to me seeing my mom and sis again soon. so yippee for that!

Today I'm So In Love.

2011-11-09T14:43:00.000-05:00

today i am so in love with jonathan. i've had such a great day thinking of him. you see, i've done nothing more than organize his closet, throw out some of his old tee shirts, sort and fold his clothes. but i could feel him in them. and it may seem small, compared to what others think is satisfying, but me, i feel God in those moments. because what i've been doing today is holy and divine and appointed by Christ to fulfill the needs of my man who works so diligently outside our home to provide us a cushion to raise our heads and hearts. no one sees this part of me. the quiet where i am sitting with my legs folded on the carpet, stained clothes, no make up, folding and folding and folding, and matching pair after pair of socks. but under neath that pile i feel myself rising up. there is God in these moments. there is love poured out.

my babies are sleeping right now and my biggest is almost home from school. it will be a whirlwind of to-do's before jonathan and i have the chance to sit down tonight and catch our breathes. but when we do, when we sit in the darkness of an organized home, built on the solid foundation of Jesus and His love, it will be so worth all the repetition and effort that gets us there. my heart is so thankful and ready.

Psalm119: 41-48

Let your love, God, shape my life
      with salvation, exactly as you promised;
   Then I'll be able to stand up to mockery
      because I trusted your Word.
   Don't ever deprive me of truth, not ever—
      your commandments are what I depend on.
   Oh, I'll guard with my life what you've revealed to me,
      guard it now, guard it ever;
   And I'll stride freely through wide open spaces
      as I look for your truth and your wisdom;
   Then I'll tell the world what I find,
      speak out boldly in public, unembarrassed.
   I cherish your commandments—oh, how I love them!—
      relishing every fragment of your counsel.

Busy Busy.

2011-11-08T12:43:00.000-05:00

Hello from New York! It's November, and i really love November. i love when fall looks like it's bleeding into winter and the trees show off their branches and light just seeps through. what takes some getting use to are the early nights, getting dark at 5 o'clock can really mess me up. but being a morning person, i do love drinking my coffee with a bright pink sky.

we've been so busy. the painters are at our new house and have been working around the clock so that the floor guy can get in their next week and hopefully we can spend thanksgiving in our new house! wouldn't that be fantastic?

we had a bad snow storm over halloween and my mom flew in from sunny Florida secretly to surprise me. her first night here, Halloween, we had to check into a hotel because we lost power. we didn't go trick or treating this year but we did go over to our church who was putting on a little something for the kids, and they had power! so i got to dress them up and we came back and picked up pizza's and ate dinner in our hotel beds and got a good night's sleep. i had such a good time with my mom. my soul needed it more than anything. then my sister came for the weekend and we had so much fun. i think my sides still hurt from laughing so much. i will see everyone again when they come back for Christmas, but until then, it's pretty painful to go so long with out them around:(

i can't wait to post pictures of our house being renovated. it's coming along, and i'm just jumping up and down with excitement. today it's so beautiful here, warm and sunny. dune, lars , and i went for a really long walk and then came home and had an applesauce lunch date. do you know that applesauce is one of my favorite things to eat? with lots and lots of cinnamon of course:)

A Bit About Our New (old) House.

2011-10-25T12:39:00.000-04:00

i think i've been searching for this house in my heart since i was a little girl. when jonathan and i started talking about an older home and the character and history of a house that has lived many lives, we searched for the right real estate agent first. one that understood our vision, goal, lifestyle, interests, even down to the details of how we want to raise our kids. we found Chris Hanson who specializes in historic Newburgh homes. he understood our rather "quirky" list of must haves, and really understood our even longer list of must - not haves. we searched for a while having been let down a few times in the process by houses that we got our hopes up in and then the door on those shut. until we drove up to number 13. when pulling up to this house both jonathan and i received a peace about it before we even stepped foot in the front door. and then once we got in the front door we soon saw that it had everything. our house was built in the early 1900's. having had a few homeowners, i only know about the most recent ones. they lived in the house for 21 years, raised their kids there, and grew their family in the back yard. we are going to the town to get the deeds on the house to find out about the origins of the home, so for now it's a bit of a mystery. a big, beautiful, charming mystery. we are in the process now of restoring it. but our vision is to keep as much of the original details as we can.

if you want to find out more about Chris Hanson, who is by far the most interesting and friendly real estate agent, you can check out his web site here.

if you want to find out more about historic Newburgh and the restoration of this beautiful city that i love so much, you can find it here.

Chris's neighbor and friend is Door Sixteen. you can read even more about Newburgh over at her blog.

jonathan has been pulling staples out of the hardwood floors after ripping out the carpet upstairs. then we have to take the wallpaper down. we've already met so many of our neighbors. graycen was out playing with about six kids the other day when we were over there working. she tells me she loves it there already. dune and lars were just sort of following all the big kids around and loving every bit of it. we are planting our roots here and we are proud and excited to do so.

Bridesmaids

2011-10-21T14:28:00.001-04:00

one of my closest friends in the universe is getting married next June. she was in town from L.A. for one of her friends wedding's and we met in Albany on Wednessday to try on bridesmaids dresses with my other friends who are also in the her wedding and who are also my other very very close friends. basically, it was the most fabulous day filled with laughing, crying, eating, laughing, more crying, hugging hello, hugging goodbye, laughing, crying, laughing. it was so awesome.

As For Me And My House.

2011-10-20T10:36:00.001-04:00

this is a great house. this house is going to be incredible on Christmas morning. the trees are going to bloom wildly in the spring. it's covered in gold in the fall. and in the summer we will fish on the lake that the yard leads down to. there is a dock with Adirondack chairs facing the water, a yard that can easily host parties and possibly one day a wedding. it has the perfect stair case to take prom pictures on, and the basement has a separate room with a sink that is screaming, 'Darkroom'. it's our dream house. the glass knobs, the exposed radiators, the wood burning fireplace, original woodwork throughout, and the black and white tile in the bathroom all made me fall in love with this house. it's set in a quiet neighborhood with kids running independently, and the yard has perfectly mature trees for tire swings. it's been quite a journey. along the way, God has closed so many other doors leading us through the front door of this house. and today we sign and it becomes ours. i want to grow old with jonathan in this house, rocking in rocking chairs, reading books near the front windows looking out the glass paines talking about the feet that have walked on our floors of this home. i want to bathe grand babies one day in the vintage sinks, and i want to catch the boys star gazing on the roof, and watch graycen ice skate on the lake. i want this house to be another member of this family. and today we take the first step.

And as for me and my house, we will the serve the Lord.

Wordless Wednesday, By Dune.

2011-10-19T06:29:00.000-04:00

A Day With Dune.

2011-10-17T16:33:00.000-04:00

what an unbelievably magical day i spent with my Dune. we drank fresh juices and split a sweet potato biscuit, walked around old houses, ate vegan chocolates, and shared a maple seltzer. we were feeling so wild we drove the whole way home with the windows down, listening to Josh Garrels, and i was thanking God for all of it.

Adam and Hillary

2011-10-14T14:20:00.001-04:00

when i start really really missing my family in Florida i look at these pictures and am reminded i will see everyone again in a few months at Adam and Hillary's wedding. Adam is my cousin and i took these engagement pictures of them a few weeks before we moved back to New York. Adam and Hillary have the kind of love for each other that i pray for my children to find one day. it's unique and amazing and i am truly grateful to have taken these pictures of them. isn't the ocean in these pictures so heart achingly beautiful? the silver hues and the creamy sea spray comes across all over these and i love it. they are incredible people who love the Lord and each other. i can't wait for their wedding:)and i can't wait to visit Florida again soon~

Pictures From The Weekend/ Wordless Wednesday.

2011-10-12T09:04:00.000-04:00

*these pictures were all taken with the instagram app for iphone. you can follow me there @ allidw.

Cause I Got Changed By What I've Been Shown.

2011-10-11T14:30:00.002-04:00

today i am reminded to love. i am humbled. i am reminded to die to the things of this world and keep my eyes on eternity. i am struck by a creative God that delivers beauty in ways i can not wrap my mind around. i am thankful that through suffering

God renews the life within me. i am at peace by a Father who communicates with me by searching my soul. i am relieved He cares enough to wake me up in the middle of the night so we have the time together i so selfishly push aside during the day. i serve a God who turns green into red and orange and yellow in the fall, and send me pink blossoms in the spring. i am comforted by a Savior who gave my boys blue eyes and gave me a brown eyed girl, that in their little ages capture a love and give it away to me unconditionally.

Jonathan was told today of the sad loss of one of his buddies he works with. He was battling cancer while i was, undergoing many surgeries, chemo, radiation, and a difficult recovery. he lost his life this weekend to the tumors in his brain. he wasn't even 40 years old. i am quiet around jonathan today. it's the sort of comfort he needs. today is warm and the leaves are bright. i am here to see it. i am thinking of those who are not.

Farther Along.

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by

Tempted and tried, I wondered why
The good man died, the bad man thrives
And Jesus cries because he loves 'em both
We're all cast-aways in need of rope
Hangin' on by the last threads of our hope
In a house of mirrors full of smoke
Confusing illusions I've seen

Where did I go wrong, I sang along
To every chorus of the song
That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates
Leading mice and men down to their fates
But some will courageously escape
The seductive voice with a heart of faith
While walkin' that line back home

So much more to life than we've been told
It's full of beauty that will unfold
And shine like you struck gold my wayward son
That deadweight burden weighs a ton
Go down into the river and let it run
Wash away all the things you've done
Forgiveness alright

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by

Still I get hard pressed on every side
Between the rock and a compromise
Like the truth and pack of lies fightin' for my soul
And I've got no place left go
'Cause I got changed by what I've been shown
More glory than the world has known
Keeps me ramblin' on

Skipping like a calf loose from its stall
I'm free to love once and for all
And even when I fall I'll get back up
For the joy that overflows my cup
Heaven filled me with more than enough
Broke down my levees and my bluffs
Let the flood wash me

And one day when the sky rolls back on us
Some rejoice and the others fuss
'Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess
That the Son of God is forever blessed
His is the kingdom, we're the guests
So put your voice up to the test
Sing Lord, come soon

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by

by- Josh Garrels

LaLaLoopsie's and Other Halloween Costumes.

2011-10-10T19:38:00.002-04:00

i've been thinking a lot about this costume recently. a magazine came in the mail for Halloween costumes and it has since sent me into a discovery about myself. i've been praying and searching, reading, and thinking a lot about the costumes i saw in this magazine targeted for little girls. and you know what, it's all sort of breaking my heart. and quite scary. i am relieved that graycen picked this doll costume out as opposed to a trashy police officer, or a sleazy witch. the past halloweens i didn't give costumes much of a thought. i let graycen pick them out, bought her size and took it home. this year is different. graycen is getting older and more and more aware and more and more targeted. no where in her mind do i want her to think that the choices in these magazines are something she must settle on as an appropriate choice for herself. she knows she is better than that. so this year i am offering her a few selections that we have come to together and over the next couple of weeks we will focus on making it and being proud of who she is trying to pretend to be.

#1. First choice is Matilda- from the Roald Dahl book. this costume would be a brown wig, cut short, a white collared shirt, a skirt, tights, mary janes, a back pack and a stack of books. this is graycen's first pick. it's mine too:)

#2. Eloise- from the character Eloise At The Plaza. she would wear a white shirt with a black skirt and suspenders, we would tease her hair messy and make her face look a little dirty. she could also carry one of her little stuffed dogs.

#3. Kit- she would dress like her American Girl Doll and we would dress Kit as Graycen. Graycen gets a kick out of this idea. i have a feeling in the end it might be this.

or #4. her pick of any historical character that has made an impact on her. her favorite is Helen Keller but she changes her mind every time she learns about someone new:)

in the end i know she will make the right choice, because it is not some cheap inappropriate reproduction of an inaccurate description of a fantasised character that we are teaching our little girls that they must imitate to fit in. not in this house. not now. not ever.

Pictures From The Weekend/ Wordless Wednesday.

2011-10-05T15:45:00.001-04:00

Pumpkin.

2011-10-03T14:36:00.001-04:00

Benefits of pumpkin-

beta- carotene... can reverse skin damage and act as anti inflammatory.
full of fiber. we all know what fiber helps with;)
vitamins c and e... that makes me happy.
potassium, magnesium, promotes healthy weight loss, aids digestion, promotes strong bones... i could go on!

no wonder why pumpkins get me all sorts of excited!

pumpkins have disease fighting nutrients. that's another reason for me to love those guys.

i cook so so so much with pumpkin for the next few months. honestly i can't get enough.

Vegan Pumpkin Smoothie:

- 1/2 cup canned organic pumpkin
- i cup soymilk
- scoop vanilla soy yogurt
- 1 frozen banana
- cinnamon
- nutmeg
- allspice
- i T maple syrup

blend everything together.

It Started Here...

2011-09-30T13:55:00.002-04:00

and ended here.

this day is fantastic. and i want to hold on to it and relive it over and over and over again.

highlights of today are:

coming to the realization that dune and lars are bonded in ways i will never even begin to understand.

watching dune and lars in the library look so tiny against the giant world of books.

going outside where dune picked a piece of bark off of a tree that looked just like a mask and lars and i watched him hold it up to his face like it was one for the next hour.

finding an abandoned building and picking the boys up to peek into it and hearing them squeal when they saw inside.

driving down Grand Street and loving the gold leaves falling onto the brick streets.

coming home and snuggling with my very tired boys before tucking them in for their nap.

waiting to meet my girl at the bus stop and hanging out with her until Monday morning, because it's Friday!

- have a happy, blessed weekend. we are off to discover something new!

Wordless Wednesday.

2011-09-28T09:36:00.001-04:00

Hello Autumn.

2011-09-23T14:22:00.001-04:00

i took dune and lars to a farm the other day and had just about the most fun with them that i've ever had with anyone! these boys of mine are such a gift. really, how would life look if i didn't know them? i shudder to think. the sky was as blue as i have ever seen, and it was cold, and i was happy. i was so, so happy. and they were too. i miss graycen when she is at school, but i've done all of these things with her. before dune and lars came, she was an only child and we were the best of buddies. i saw the world through her eyes and took her everywhere. now her life is in a different season. she's a big sister, and she's in kindergarten. and she has stories of her own to tell. but the best part of this dynamic is that she understands it. when i showed her the pictures from our day at the pumpkin patch she said, "Oh, it looks like you guys had so much fun!" now that's a great amount of maturity from my little girl. they are all gifts, and huge blessings to me. God gave me them to help greater my understanding of how achingly in love with someone i can be. someone bore from my own body. much like the closeness i was created for with a God who loves me. i'm getting it. and i'm so very thankful for it.

Wordless Wednesday.

2011-09-21T14:12:00.000-04:00

Ballet and Attitudes.

2011-09-19T14:18:00.004-04:00

as Graycen's mother, it just thrills me to see the ways in which God has gifted her. from tiptoeing on her toes, to singing at the top of her lungs, to her quiet whispers, and how she's never met a stranger. the way she smiles at the world and the way it smiles back. her sensitive heart and her delicate feelings. i love this ballerina. but as of lately we've not been getting along as well as we always have. she is speaking up quite a bit these days and it's not always appropriate for her to be talking to her parents the way she does, (insert eye rolls, hands on hips, loud sighing.) i've even caught her in a lie or two. she is finding her way, this one. and i am here to guide her, correct her, and lift her up. she got in trouble last night for talking back to me, and after she went to bed i found a little post it note that read, "LOVE SO MUCH MOM." i am quite thrilled to be her mother. i am even more thrilled to be her stay at home mother. and i thank God for equipping me and thinking enough of me to bless me with all of this. even if we are both figuring it out as we go along.

Happy Friday!

2011-09-16T09:25:00.000-04:00

September air is the sweetest! the best weather is here! we could see our breath while we were walking to the bus stop this morning. but when we came back in the house the sun had warmed the wood floor. it's that kind of perfect weather.

these pictures were of last weekend. it was sort of the most fun i've ever had in my life. if given every opportunity in the world, i would still choose to spend my days at home (or anywhere) with these four people. i'm a lucky gal.

Wordless Wednesday.

2011-09-14T13:33:00.000-04:00

New York, You Dreamy City, You.

2011-09-12T15:45:00.001-04:00

i took so many pictures of our anniversary weekend together, but here a just a few, most of them from my cell phone. while we were there we went on a vegan (her) / vegetarian (him) eating extravaganza... and we enjoyed every bite. we love new york and everything is has to offer. watching the lights turn on in the buildings at night is liking watching a Christmas tree light up. and the people watching at Curly's Vegetarian Restaurant, well you couldn't pay enough for that. from the cities inside the city, like Chinatown, or the east village, to the west village, and my favorite, the Upper West Side. something about reaching around 73rd street makes me breathe out slowly and feels like i am in a movie. to kissing in the grasses of Central Park, and subway hopping like we were flirting with the underground. and thrifting at the Brooklyn Flea. it's so exciting New York, and we love it dearly. and we love each other so, and it really pays to be intentional about your marriage. God blessed us with this partnership and we are without a doubt trying our best to make it a marriage our children will be proud of, and our Creator, and most certainly each other.

It's Friday-

2011-09-09T13:44:00.001-04:00

- and i can not believe Graycen is in kindergarten.
- and i love spending time with dune and lars.
- and playing mini golf while glowing brings mini golf to a whole other level.
- and my boys are full on rough and tumble, tackle type boys who can give one heck of a kiss.
- and God is still in control.
- and i like making school lunches.
- and i like seeing the leaves starting to fall off the trees.
- and i like sipping pumpkin spice lattes... made with soy milk.
- and i really, really, really love my family.
- and i am feeling really blessed.

Hi! My name is Graycen:)

2011-09-05T17:55:00.000-04:00

Ah, have i caught my breath yet at the fact that i have a daughter entering kindergarten? no way! i am freeeeeaking out! but this moment, taking her pictures, that moment, was a nice settled time and i asked her all about herself as a five year

old little girl and this is what she told me~

Me- "what grade are you going to be starting?"

Gray- "kindergarten"

Me- "what is your favorite movie?"

Gray- "Strawberry Shortcake."

Me- "what is your favorite food?"

Gray- "Kale Chips."

Me- "what would you like to have me pack for your first day of school lunch?"

Gray- "cucumber with lettuce and honey mustard on the bread where you can see the seeds in it."

Me- "who is your favorite bible character?"

Gray- "Noah."

Me- "What is your favorite song?"

Gray- "the beginning song to Horseland." (her favorite cartoon.)

Me- "what would you like to tell me before you go to kindergarten and i'm feeling really sad?"

Gray- "that i love you and will kiss you and to wait for me cause i'll be home soon."

Me- "what are you most looking forward to now that you are going to start school?"

Gray- "Friends and Recess!"

GULP!!!!!

...

and while we are studying at home and i'm teaching dune and lars, we have this set up:)

All Smiles.

2011-09-02T13:25:00.001-04:00

this morning we woke up and in the warm September sun, sat on the porch and made trees from hand prints. and then graycen ran around pretending she was Rapunzel, and dune and lars played in dirt and dug for worms with their bare hands (and they found a couple too!) and i sat quietly and tried not to interfere. and then dune and lars started crawling around acting like baby kittens and i just love them so much and their incredible two year old imaginations. i will miss my little birds this weekend, but i will enjoy soaking up every moment spent alone with their daddy and coming home ignited:) have a happy and safe weekend. we'll see you next week!

...

Wedding Dress.

2011-09-01T12:56:00.004-04:00

i am about to celebrate 6 years of marriage this Sunday. there is nothing on this earth that i take more seriously than my relationship with Christ, but my vows with Jonathan come in a very close second. for without the first who's to say if we'd ever had made it this far. we are taking the weekend to get to know each other a little better. reflect on one another, and pray about where we want to see our marriage go. we've been handed some pretty tough things between the two of us. it's no surprise to me that Christ calls the church His bride and makes several references in the bible to comparing a relationship with a believer to a marriage. for both relationships can get unbelievably tainted and hard. when i look back on my own marriage i see two people who at times have fallen short, who have with best intentions failed miserably, who've put themselves first, two people that have dangled by the same thread, but a thread none the less. i see my best friend, i see him good, bad, i see him healthy and sick, i see him on fire for God and i've also seen him burn out. but i've seen it. with my eyes. i've seen it. jonathan has watched me make a home for us, witnessed three babies coming out of my body. he's seen me fight off cancer. he has seen me. we know each other. but at times we treat each other like the church sometimes treats God. we know about Him, but we sell ourselves out for whatever feels right in the moment. we turn our backs on a God who bled for us, who took it all upon Himself to have the chance to fall so madly in love with Him. when i reflect on my marriage i feel so intimately weaved with the God who designed marriage. and on and earth and in heaven, i want to be able to stand before Him and be told i've made a good wife.

please, listen to this song with your soul. let it penetrate you and may you take a quiet moment to let it stir you up.

Ephesians 5:25-27

PET Scans.

2011-08-31T14:17:00.004-04:00

PET scans are a fact of my life.

so on days like this i take time to feel a little sorry for myself.

and do things, like taking myself out to lunch. and to go some place to be quiet enough and desire to hear what God might be saying to me in these moments.

and then make sure to get some quality time watching my kids laugh and run and fall down and cry and get up and giggle, and bend down and kiss them softly.

and know in my heart and head, spirit, mind, and body that i am absolutely living the life that was designed by a God who favors me and who's plans for me are good.

Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or terrified of them. For the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you, nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31 :6

...

also, graycen took scissors out to the garden this morning and cut some sunflowers. i think my grandmother would have really liked that she did that. my grandmother was a gardener. and graycen doesn't follow far.

Crazy Picture Overload.

2011-08-25T13:33:00.001-04:00

this post is full of useless information about me, like how using fake moustaches are some of the funniest memories i've made with my kids, and how today we made plate heads and lined up in front of the chalkboard to take pictures of ourselves, and how lars wore pipe cleaner glasses up until the time of his nap, and how dune looked just like Harry Potter when he wore them, but i didn't get a picture of that because i was too busy laughing. and how much i love crayola crayons and how i would be half the mother i am without them. and my endless dream of one day home schooling my children in a room in our house entirely dedicated to fostering up some of the most imaginative creations the world has ever seen. oh, that and hanging vintage globes all over the ceiling. and how i just finished decorating graycen's lunchboxes for school and how i love that she is still young enough that i can put "mommy + gray = love" on it and she says "awwwww", and the rain. ooooo, how i love the rain. blah blah blah. the end.

Wordless Wednesday.

2011-08-24T12:48:00.000-04:00

Crazy Boy.

2011-08-23T13:52:00.001-04:00

dune gets crazy when he gets a hold of my iphone. he has probably taken over 500 pictures of himself making funny faces. and i've kept every one of them. i mean really. i can hardly handle his cuteness.

Our Weekend.

2011-08-22T16:38:00.001-04:00

we had the most wonderful weekend. we took a drive through the country upstate to visit my dad and along the way we made some stops. first we stopped at a farm and then we walked around New Paltz, then we drove into Woodstock and had some vegan treats at Garden Cafe. after that we drove to my dad's house where we ate dinner and picked pumpkins from his garden and made apple cider. the next day we went to church, where i sat through one of the most uncomfortable services ever, and i mean that in a good way. a very good way. after church we ate at a mexican restaurant, came home, got jammies on and watched documentaries until our eyes grew heavy. this morning when we got up it was cold out and we've had the windows open all day. things like this make me very happy to be alive. God is doing something big here. and by here, i mean in my little family. :)

Kitty Sisters.

2011-08-17T15:39:00.001-04:00

these two started a band called the Kitty Sisters. but whenever they go to perform, they suddenly have no idea what they are doing. and it's hilarious and awesome and just the way it should be. for these kindred spirits went a long time without each other and are now just so happy to be together again. and i couldn't be any happier for them:)

Cancer, who are you a year later?

2011-08-15T14:13:00.002-04:00

this morning i watched my beautiful children squeeze oranges and pour the fresh juice into their glass cups. after that we went out in the rain to pick fresh mint from the garden and we came back in and made home made lemon olive oil dressing infused with mint and organic blueberries. this is a perfect moment. i was in the midst of a perfect morning. tomorrow is a different story. tomorrow i wake up and jonathan will be home to watch the kids, and i will be going to the Cancer Center, where next week, marks a year ago of leaving that place behind to get on with a cancer-less life. tomorrow we will talk about my health. they will look at my blood. they will talk about cancer and remind me that making it to 5 years, now four years from now, will mean that my cancer will have been "cured". i will talk about things like how do i feel on a daily basis, how is my mental health, how are my energy levels, how am i sleeping, do i need anxiety medications, what if my cancer comes back, the probability of it, or the probability of it not. last night at dinner graycen said to me, "mommy, you don't need to worry about your cancer coming back. i pray for you everyday. but can you pray that me, and dune, lars, and daddy never get cancer?" i have real conversations like this with my five year old daughter. i am twenty nine. i look at my two baby boys and my young husband. i look down at my white socks and sneakers because i am was going to exercise after dinner. and i think to myself, "is this real?" these are weird moments for me. they contradict the way i see other people live their lives. they are the opposite of the dreams i had for my life as a child. when i kissed jonathan on our wedding day, i never imagined that before i turned thirty, cancer would have hit one of us.

but what have i learned from all of this? above anything else, i have learned that life is a gift. that the fight is worth every bit of the sweat and tears poured into it. that the Creator of breath is breathing life into me at this very second and until He decides to stop i will inhale deeply and love, forgive, laugh, cry, change diapers, potty train twins, get my daughter ready for kindergarten, call my mom and tell her i love her, pick up my sister at the airport to visit us. i will clean dirty toilets, and make lunches. i will grocery shop, fill up my gas tank, spill things, break things. i will get dressed and undressed. i will feel upset, and i will feel pleased. i will get sick and then i will get well. i will watch my children start things and end things. i will be living and moving, i will be filling up space and trying to be an addition to those around me. i will fight with my husband. and i will make up with him.

for the gift is in all of these things. the gift is not in the outcome, rather in the very act of the moments that make up my life. the gift isn't in whether or not someone can forgive me, but in the act of learning to forgive. my God has called me into the trenches and has not left my side. He has opened my horizon. i feel Him.

a year later i am nothing without a Savior. and i have learned that fighting hard is worth every bit of tiring effort. and from The One who can fill me, the One who never tires and has no beginning and end, and therefore can keep carrying me, i will live a life worthy of the calling i have received. (Ephesians 4:1)

Wordless Wednesday.

2011-08-10T13:05:00.002-04:00

Leaving Florida, part one.

2011-08-09T09:01:00.000-04:00

i took a bunch of pictures of our last week in Florida. this is from one of those days. i took the kids out to this big field behind our old neighborhood and photographed graycen while talking to her about leaving. i love how so much of what was captured on her face was the sincerity of leaving what had become home to us, but the hope that we were returning to be a whole family again. today graycen's friends in Florida are starting kindergarten. if we were still there, today would probably be the most exciting day of her life. but i have hope that in a few short weeks she will be embarking on her own journey here, starting grade school, making friends, and deepening her walk with the Lord. to all of our florida friends who really became a part of our florida family, have a wonderful day of starting a new chapter in your lives. we miss you!

2011-08-08T14:24:00.001-04:00

these pictures are from playing in our yard. the boys love the trampoline. the only thing they don't like is when their sister is on it with them and tries to jump really close to them to get them to bounce even higher. i mean, how many times can you land on your head before that starts to scare you? i really don't blame them. but i do think it's funny and i do think it's absolutely brother- sister relationship appropriate. do i think she tries to be naughty on purpose? of course;)

Picnic Time!

2011-08-04T09:17:00.000-04:00

over the summer, i picnic with my kids A LOT. but since everyone but me is 5 years old and under i plan these picnics, with the little ones in mind. here are some of my tips for going on a picnic with toddlers.

no expectations. there are some days where they want to sit and eat the whole meal, other days where they just want to run. they'll eat if they are hungry.

so, i pack light. i pack lots of fruits and raisin boxes, and sparkling water, a bag of nuts, and a bag of carrots. these can be eaten on the go, and back in the car when they realize that they are actually hungry but are now headed home.

Clean Well. i love this gentle, kid friendly formula for an anti bacterial soap. i let my kids do a bit of wandering and try, (if possible) not to impose my own will on them as they discover the world. this means, that often times they pick up some pretty hairy things. no fear, my clean well is near!

and a picnic blanket that looks great in pictures. i bought my favorite blanket a few years ago and it just keeps getting better looking with wear. it is the heart of the picnic.

have fun! i like to picnic in places and days where not a lot of people are around. this allows me to have the most amount of fun and really, allows my kids to relax. although i do enjoy people watching, i try to stick to the least amount of rules as possible when we are on picnics to ensure the most amount of fun for the little ones. this means an area free to run.

and never, ever forget the camera. those tiny bodies rolling down a big hill is something i never want to forget.

Wordless Wednesday.

2011-08-03T13:47:00.000-04:00

(with a bit of an explanation. see, i can't decide whether this app is completely hilarious, or terrifyingly sad. all i know for sure is that my kids laugh till the point of tears and i almost pee myself. we are obsessed!)

Three Is A Fine Number.

2011-07-27T14:10:00.000-04:00

three is an odd number. i still have to remind myself when i am shopping for something that four is not enough. i have to round up, times two. and still, that only sometimes covers it. i am not sure i would have ever tried for baby number three. but had that decision been left open for me, it would be impossible. so God knew i needed a third. i watch my life with three kids. i see how much they need each other. i see what Lars brings out in Gray, and i see what Dune brings out in Lars. and i see what Gray brings out in Dune. i see what they all bring out in me. i have really hard days balancing this life. i've been handed a lot at a young age. but i am proud to hold a title that earns me perspective daily. i am surviving a cancer diagnosis to support crying, adorable, stressful, peaceful children, and i am happy to be doing it. and that even in the hardest moments, (and there are so many it seems) God has trusted me to be the best and most equip for these children. and even if i am not, He has trusted me enough to know i'll lean on Him to get me through it.

A Little Music...

2011-07-26T15:58:00.000-04:00

Untitled from Allison Weeden on Vimeo.

for your tuesday afternoon:)

Music by: Graycen Weeden, filmed by- her mom.

Rain.

2011-07-25T14:38:00.001-04:00

today it is raining. this day is reminding me to slow down. i have watched my kids light up to the sound of rain. i have watched them giggle when i let them outside to play in it. the over cast grey sky is reminding me that i am here. i am available to these children. i have an influence over them. and they have a great impact on me. i was watching the rain from the kitchen window earlier. i had the window open and was feeling the cool air and the smell of the dampness. i was taken back to this time last year. i was in a battle for my life. i was sick and pale, vomiting, and faint. i was home and it was raining. my mom and sister were there and so was jonathan. i was feeling like quitting the treatment. i wanted to give up. i was unavailable to my children. there was no mothering involved. i was just sort of there. but i remember that day that it was pouring. i got up. went out side. ran around in the pouring rain. graycen ran out after me. laughing and cheering. i was giddy with joy. i was being recharged. i felt like a mother in that moment. i felt like i was giving something to graycen by dancing in that rain. there was life in that rain and it was pouring down over me.

today i stepped out into the rain. the kids were watching me. dune stuck a toe in a puddle. and lars ran right into it, splashing and getting soaked. and graycen stretched her hands up to the sky. the rain helps things grow. i see rain as an opportunity to gain something. i wonder if graycen will remember the way we grew together that day. and how i gained life.

Psalm 147:8
"He covers the sky with clouds; he supplies the earth with rain and makes grass grow on the hills."

* the above pictures are of dune and lars having a good time. seriously, this is playing at it's best. they love it. they love each other.

I Love This Town.

2011-07-21T07:55:00.000-04:00

i love it here. i love our town. i love this little city. i took the kids to have a picnic over looking the Hudson River yesterday. we picked up some vegan eats and laid under a tree eating, talking, and laughing. the kids took turns playing hide and seek and rolling down the big hill. i sit as still as i can in these moments trying to retain as much as i can. i am so grateful for this life. for this experience of raising these little people, to know them, to love them, to be called their mom. i am thankful that i am back in New York with them, and that everyday daddy walks through the door , after work, covered in dust and dirt, and the kids run as fast as they can to greet him. i am so glad i am here to see that. i am thankful for my life. i am thankful for it here.

He Told Me He Loved Me.

2011-07-20T12:59:00.000-04:00

and i heard it. the most sincere, unsolicited, true words i could ever hear. i was leaving the room and lars yelled out, "I love you!" so this makes one of the best days of my life. truly.

Hebrews 12:1-3 (The Message)

"Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!"

today adrenaline is shooting into my soul.

Green.

2011-07-19T15:29:00.000-04:00

everything is so green, and over grown, and bright right now. we are soaking it up. it's no secret that i love new york, but i think the little birds might love it more. we spend every waking minute outside, and at night we are all sleeping awesome because of it!

dune and graycen have taken right back to this house. lars has not. he's been difficult and overly clingy to me. he does not like how big the house is and how he can not see me from room to room. if i run up the stairs for something he has to follow me, crying. if i get in the shower and pull the shower curtain across he is trying to open it, crying. if i am cooking in the kitchen and run to throw something outside in the compost pile, he is banging on the sliding glass doors, you got it, crying! but today we have had a major break through. i noticed how at peace he is today. he even went off to play by himself. and when we were all in the yard he actually separated himself from me to go play with dune and graycen. he is coming around, and i can see he will be himself in no time.

over the weekend dune and lars turned 2! they are big boys now, but i think i will always see them more as my big babies. i love those two more than i could ever accurately write about. i also had a birthday. i turned 29! i am so happy to be a year older. i am so happy to just be getting older! when my life took a drastic turn and started being measured by statistics i learned that getting older is in fact something you should boast about proudly and not all this sillyness about not telling the truth about ones age. that's for the birds! so i am one year older and that makes me- ALIVE!

Happiest Birthday of All.

2011-07-15T13:37:00.001-04:00

this morning i took the kids down to the Hudson River to take it all in. I went there with the idea that i would focus on my life, reflect on where i've come from, and look forward to where i am going. we were walking around for about 30 minutes. i was feeling the moment. the sky, the air, the mountains, the kids laughing, me standing there to watch it all. i was thinking about tonight; the new dress i bought, how jonathan is going to come home early from work, the great vegan restaurant where we are going to pick up take-out. i was thinking about me. we walked by a bench with a man sitting on it and he stopped me and asked, "are they twins?" "yes", i said. he then went on to tell me how he is a fraternal twin. His brother was killed in a plane crash when he was 32. He lost his twin brother at the age of 32. this made my heart break. i stood their looking at dune and lars and imagining one of them facing what this man has had to face. the man went on. he told me how just like graycen, he has an older sister who is three years older than him and his brother, and how she is still alive. they faced the death of their brother together. this made me cry. i thought of graycen being a solid rock for something that either one of them might have to face one day that seems unbearable. he went on to tell me how he grew up in poverty to an alcoholic father who drank himself to death. he was raised by his single mother who made everything for them. one of his favorite pictures is of him and his brother at the ages of 6 where they are in polka dot jumpers that their mother made them and they are resting their heads on each other and smiling. i watched the details on his face as he told me this story. i knew he was thinking of that moment like it was yesterday. i then asked him if he was married. he told me he just lost his wife of 60 years. at this time he began to cry. picture this, we are on a bench, in downtown Newburgh with people walking by with their children, dogs, coffee, and this man begins to cry. i sat down next to him. i asked him his name. he told me his name is Mr. Clark. when i sat down, he couldn't talk. the memories of his wife were flooding in and he couldn't talk. i began to cry with him. we sat there. for a moment we were quiet. graycen was playing with dune and lars in front of us. we just sat there. and then i asked Mr. Clark if i could pray for him. still crying, he nodded yes. i asked graycen and the boys to come over so we could pray over Mr. Clark. when i put my hand on his back, he felt like my grandfather. graycen came and laid her hands on him, lars crawled into the radio flyer and dune crawled on him like he was his great grandfather. i prayed out loud for Mr.Clark; for the healing of his heart, and peace that surpasses all understanding. i prayed that God has a great plan for us to become wonderful friends with Mr. Clark, and i prayed that Mr.Clark not lose hope. when i stopped praying i looked up and saw that he was weeping. graycen still had her hands on him and dune was standing at his feet looking at him. i thanked Mr.Clark for that moment. i told him that God loves him very much and that i hope we see him again. i took the kids back to the car and i began to weep myself. i cried for him the entire ride home and can't stop thinking of this man.

i know that today is my birthday. i also know that i am a dot to a much greater picture that involves love, truth, justice, and peace. i know that people are hurting. i know we are to be the hands and feet of Jesus. and i know that today God blessed me with the best gift of all, the meeting of Mr. Clark. i know that life is indeed not about me.

i thank you Jesus for the design you have for my life. i thank you for maturing me that i can nurture my children in a way that they pause and pray for a stranger that is hurting. i thank you for your favor.

i thank you for your gifts.

happiest birthday indeed.